The Secret Diaries of Alexander the Great
by SilverT-Spoon
Summary: A parody of the movie Alexander in the style of Adrian Mole and Cassadra Claire's Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship of the Ring.


Authors note: This fic was mainly written to mock the movie Alexander. Also it is done to express anger over the fact that there isn't enough Hephaestion in the movie. Special thanks to my best friend and beta Xany for her support.

**The Secret Diaries of Alexander the Great**

Age 12

Wrestled with Hephaestion today. He beat me, but only because I was entranced with his beautiful eyes. Eyes like that should be made illegal. On the bright side of things though, he's my new best friend! Oh, joy! The fun things we can do together.

Managed to tame a wild, crazy horse today. I named him Bucephalus. Another new best friend! Hopefully, Hephaestion won't get jealous. On another note, mother is beginning to creep me out. Actually starting to believe that she might be the crazy bint that father thinks she is.

My hair still maintains it's floppy, godlike qualities. I'm happy to note that all the girls are jealous of its beauty.

Age 20

Father's got a new mistress named Euridice and she's pregnant. Mother's angry because father intends to marry Euridice and make her the new queen. This is bad because mother wants me to be king and felt that Euridice would have made a great bride. Oh well, at least I've got my hunny Hephaestion with me.

Told mother about my love for Hephaestion. She wasn't as happy for me as I thought she'd be. She says that I can't be king if Hephaestion's my queen. Honestly, where does she get these crazy ideas from? Apparently, all the bints in the palace have become jealous of my hunny. Rubbish! Those horrid liars, they're just jealous of me and my shinny, floppy hair.

She seems to like kissing me on the lips though. Hephaestion says it isn't normal for a mother to do that, so I refrained from telling him that she still puts me to sleep sometimes and sings for me. It's not my fault his mother doesn't do that for him. Maybe I'll make him feel better by doing that hand thing that he loves me to do. Joy!

Age 21

Father's dead; so is Euridice and my brother Philip. I'm sad that he's dead, and have a funny feeling that Mother was behind his death. She was looking kind of evil after his death. Hmm … must investigate this matter further. Anyway, I'm the new king! Yay! I was shocked over my father's death, but my hunny made it all better by proclaiming me king in front of everyone. So now I'm off to conquer the known world.

Finally reached Persia. Am trying to kill Darius while my army distracts his army. Gosh, he has really pretty eyes. I must ask him what eyeliner he uses! And he has the cutest beard, ever! Hephaestion glared at me when I told him this. I think that he might be a little jealous. Am getting tired of this jealousy. I'm a free man and I should be free to look at anyone I please. He apologized when I told him this and we made up. Yay! Stupid soldiers kept coming in and asking us if we were ok, though. Nosy sods, it's not like we were that loud anyway.

On the down side of things though, Darius got away. Darn!

Age 22

I conquered Persia! Yes! But unfortunately, Darius still got away. Came to my new home, Babylon. They have very beautiful and horny girls here. My men seem to being enjoying themselves a lot. Found out that they've even more beautiful boys here! Oh, joy and rapture! Unfortunately, Hephaestion saw me eyeing my new crush Bagoas. I fear

that I might be in the dog house for this offence.

My stay in the dog house has been extended as Hephaestion does not like my decision of making Bagoas my new hand-boy. He also does not like the implications of the world hand-boy. I don't now what he's worried about though. But it also might be due to the fact that he caught Bagoas and I getting ready for a bath. I hope that we make up though. Making up is always fun.

Hair still maintains its floppy youthfulness as the sun really brings out its highlights, but my skin is sun burnt and my lips are chapped. Maybe I'll ask Bagoas run me a moisturizing milk bath later. Joy!

Age 23-24

Been conquering most of the known world. Apparently, the known world is bigger than expected. Still trying to get Darius for his eyeliner.

Darius gave me a peace offering. It is the most darling shade of eyeliner ever! But I have yet to capture him. Darn! On the bright side of things, I'm now the pharaoh of Memphis. Oh joy! But unfortunately, I can't wear the pharaohs head dress as Bagoas says that it will ruin my shiny, beautiful hair. That cannot happen! To curb my disappointment, I've decided to snuggle with my hunny more often. Although Hephaestion seems to be enjoying this, I think that Bagoas is getting a little jealous as I found some snakes in my bath water the other day. Silly hand-boy, I've sleeping with snakes in my bed for years. Sigh … this tells me that I should go back to being a one man man.

I've founded my new capital Alexandria today. Hephaestion seems to think that my ego has gotten too large. I told his that it was only natural for a person as great as I am to want to have a city named after him. He still does not agree with me and keeps asking me to remember the Alexander that he knew from his childhood days. I replied that the Alexander of his childhood days had yet to conquer most of the known world. Because of this, he has refused to call me Alexander the Great in bed anymore. Darn!

Age 25-26

I'm heading towards the east to conquer it. Still chasing after Darius. He's starting to anger me. Cannot understand why he doesn't just give up instead of running away and offering me meager peace offerings in the form of various shades of eyeliner and beard curlers.

Fought at the Battle of Gaugamela today. I won. Yay! That'll teach Darius to come up against Alexander the Great. Anyway, he's run of to Bactria by now, so off I go chasing after him.

Found Darius today. His ungrateful army generals had him killed. Am saddened by this turn of events and have vowed to exact revenge on his murderers. Did not cry in front of soldiers but cried later that night in the arms of my hunny. As understanding as he is, he did not understand why I was so upset over Darius' death. Nevertheless, he made me feel better by giving me a back rub and also rubbed me in many other special places to make me feel better. Gosh, how I love him.

Found Philotas to be responsible for an assassination attempt of me so I had him killed. Unfortunately, I had to kill his father Parmenion as well because of this. Am saddened by his death, as he was my father's most trusted adviser. The generals on my council now look at me with sadness in their eyes. All except my hunny of course. Mother always said that he was the only one that I could trust. Sigh.... I fear that they may revolt soon. Especially Cassander. He's been looking at me weirdly. But then again, he might just have been appreciating the beautiful floppiness of my hair. Hephaestion tells me that I'm being paranoid, so I try to relax as much as one can after he's experienced an assassination attempt.

I've finally managed to capture and killed the ponce responsible for Darius' death. Yay! To celebrate this, I've decided to throw a party.

Age 27-28

The soldiers are starting to act funny around me have been giving me evil looks. Hephaestion seems to think that it is because we've traveled so far away from Macedonia and that the soldiers haven't seen their loved ones in ages. I argued that I have been with them throughout the entire journey and have not yet complained about not seeing my mother for the past seven years. He then mumbled in return that my mother was an evil barbarian who had not-so-noble designs on me. The nerve of him! I have decided to place him in the dog house because of this. These are troubled times.... and I'm glad that I still have Bagoas around to prepare milk baths for me. Thankfully, he has gotten over his absurd quest to kill me.

On a happier note, I've decided to grow out my hair. Joy! It's been ages since I last changed my appearance and my hair has managed to maintain it's youthful floppiness even in the high altitudes of the Hindu Kush. But I fear my generals are having an adverse reaction towards my new hairdo as I have caught Cassender staring at my queerly several times.

Nevertheless, my hunny seems to enjoy my new hairdo as I've seen him stare longingly at me whenever he thinks that I am not looking at him. Thankfully, this has led us to kiss and make up. Finally! On a pleasant note, he seems to enjoy running his fingers through my hair whenever we are together and has taken to jumping me whenever we are alone. Oh joy and ecstasy!

'Tis been a sad day as I was forced to execute one of my most trusted generals, Clitus. In an unfortunate turn of events, he mocked and ridiculed me in front of my constituents and I was forced to slay him. Sigh.....I am in need of a good snuggle right about now, and thankfully, my hunny has obliged my request.

Age 29-30

Am at Bactria now with the army. I was treated to an erotic dance by the tribal leaders. Of course the dance consisted of nubile young women. I felt little Alexander stir whenever the lead dancer looked at me with her heavily lined eyes. I'm stating to agree with Hephaestion's observation about my fetish with eyeliner. Oh well. In my defense, eyeliner just adds more mystery to one's eyes.

I have decided to marry the dancing vixen. Her name is Roxanne. I felt that is was time for me to settle down and have an heir. Unfortunately, this decision has been met with great resistance from my generals, especially Cassander. Funny how he's the one putting up more of a protest when compared to my hunny, who's the one actually getting dumped.

At my wedding night, I was given a tearful farewell by Hephaestion. Sob.... I'm going to miss him so much. As we hugged and bade good-bye to each other, he gave me the most darling ring ever! He always did have good taste in jewellery. Roxanne unfortunately caught us in mid-embrace, and seems to be showing some jealous tendencies, even though we've only been married for all of one hour. Women! Sigh...This is why I've stuck to men for so long. On a lighter note, I'm finding sex with a woman strangely different than that with my hunny. Maybe it's because I can finally look at my partner's face when I conquer them. Maybe I'll get her to call me Alexander the Great in bed. Joy!

I've unfortunately had to deal with a mutiny as the soldiers have become restless after so many years away from home. This resulted in me ordering the execution of many good men. Sigh....unfortunately, my new wife is inept at handling my grief, so unlike Hephaestion. If only he were a woman, then we could make babies together and live happily ever after.

I've gone to a strange land near the Indus in hopes of conquering it. This land unfortunately has horrible weather, with an almost constant downpour of rain the entire time we've been here. To make things worse, my men have begun to feel intimidated by the strange, hairy little men that seem to live on the trees and eat a phallic-shape yellow fruit. Thankfully, Hephaestion has cleared any doubts by proclaiming these hairy, tree dwelling men to be mere animals.

My hopes to conquer this strange land have hit a considerable snag as I was injured during a battle with the natives of this land and their giant animals. Oh well....on the bright side of things, the army's morale has increased because of this.

Age 31- Death

My relationship with my queen has dwindled as she has yet to produce for me an heir. She blames me and the fact that my visits to her tent are few and far in between. I would have come to the same conclusion if it weren't for the fact that I believed her to be somewhat on a conniving wench. This conclusion has been drawn by the fact that she keeps giving me evil eyes when she thinks that I'm not looking. Nevertheless, her normal loving stare has always left me wary of her plans so I fear that now she is plotting something dastardly. In some ways, she reminds me of my beloved mother, who in her own right was the queen of conniving wenches. Though I'm still unable to determine whether or not she had father killed, I haven't bothered to find the proof of her innocence in this matter. Hephaestion says that I choose not to dwell on the matter of my father's death as I know deep down in my heart that what I believe is true. My relationship with Hephaestion has remained unchanged since the day I got married to the wench, although at times I miss his comforting embrace. He has and will always be my only true companion, regardless of what society or biology might dictate. Through these past few years, he has been my constant pillar of support, and I've realized that I now need him more than ever. I fear that the generals and even my wife are plotting for my empire. Hephaestion tries to soothe my fears, but he knows that I'm not just being paranoid. With regards to my wife, she has developed an intense hatred towards Hephaestion, and I fear that she may end up doing something incredibly rash in the future.

Although my empire continues to grow, so does the restlessness that exists within my heart and in the heart of my generals.

Sob.....Hephaestion died of a mysterious illness today. Even after he promised to be by my side forever, he is gone now, and so does my will to live. I feel an uncontrollable anger towards my wife and my generals, as I know that they all have been incredibly jealous of my feelings towards him, and his position in my empire. I was forced to spare the life of my wife, even though I knew that she was probably responsible for the death of my love, as she claimed to be pregnant with my child. Now I know that I am truly alone in this world, as I no longer have someone to love and trust.

My generals have conspired to kill me, and I fear that they may succeed this time. It is truly ironic that Alexander the Great, conqueror of the known world will finally succumb to death after being poisoned by his own generals. If Hephaestion were here with me now, he would laugh with me on the absurdity of the situation. But he is not, having been taken away from me not so long ago. Nevertheless, death does not seem so horrible or infinite, as I know that I'll finally be with him for eternity. It comforts my dying heart to know that I will never be forgotten as I will forever be remembered as the greatest conqueror this world has ever known.

The End

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R&R. Thanks. 


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